In my professional experience as a legal practitioner, God has helped me to help over 34 people dissolve their marriages. Some proceedings were so acrimonious that they resembled battlefields, while some concluded amicably and with mutual respect. Although matrimonial cases are not my core area of legal practice, overseeing a large firm with a diverse practice areas naturally brings such matters to my engagement.
Just as we are closing for the year, a lady referred to me from a very close friend, visited my office seeking my legal service to terminate her marriage. Her demeanor was one of profound emotional exhaustion, and as she recounted her harrowing experiences, tears streamed down her face. Her narrative was heartrending, revealing the depths of her anguish. It was unmistakable that this dissolution would be fraught with toxicity and intense contention. She has obviously been in bed with the devil himself, not because of her story alone, but the scary marks on her body.
After attentively listening, I was angry and ready take up the matter. I informed her of my fee. ₦25 million. 25 million Naira to divorce who? She appeared stunned, then exclaimed, “If I had ₦25 million, I would simply move on with my life!” Her words pierced the air with stark honesty, laying bare a harsh reality. I empathized deeply with her plight further.
Regrettably, my firm adheres to a strict policy against offering pro bono services for divorce cases. This stance is not an attempt to disregard individual suffering; it is simply our established protocol on dissolution of marriage. I could take up matters of domestic violence pro bono, but when it entails dissolution of marriage, the fee must be paid. Nonetheless, recognizing her dire situation, I contacted a colleague in the development sector whose focus aligns with the support she urgently required. I facilitated their connection, hoping it would provide her with a viable path forward.
This encounter prompted me to reflect deeply, not solely on this woman’s circumstances but on the disturbing trends prevalent in contemporary marriages. You don’t have to stay in an abusive marriage. No, you don’t. Also, approximately 90% of failing marriages could potentially be salvaged if men assumed greater responsibility of truth to themselves from the first day. This observation does not exonerate women from their contributions to marital discord—relationships are inherently complex—but we must confront the glaring truth: marriages are disintegrating primarily due to failed expectations and intransigence.
I have assisted women in safeguarding themselves and their children from abusive and irresponsible partners. Conversely, I have supported men seeking protection from violent and irrational spouses. Each case imparts unique insights into human relationships, and one lesson stands out: unmet expectations and unreasonableness are the bane of marital unions. Don’t pretend to be who you are not. Don’t take what you will not take further? Dish to others only what you want to be dished.
And what is my message? You don’t have to be married. Let it be unequivocally stated: marriage is not an obligatory endeavor or achievement. If you lack the psychological fortitude to navigate the challenges within your relationship, do not exacerbate matters by remaining in a combative environment, striving to make a point, or clinging to pride or societal perception. At times, the most courageous and prudent action is to leave the marriage. Nobody changes in marriage. Adapt or move immediately.
When the foundation of a marriage is irreparably fractured, perpetuating the union only engenders further suffering. It transcends notions of victory or defeat; it concerns preserving your tranquility and upholding the dignity of both individuals involved.
The truth is, marriage demands emotional intelligence, maturity, and selflessness. In their absence, it becomes a fertile ground for unfulfilled expectations, resentment, and eventual collapse.
Therefore, to men, I implore: elevate your conduct. Engage in your marriages with integrity, respect, and authentic affection. To women, I advise: recognize your intrinsic value and do not accept less than you merit. And to all, remember this: walking away from a detrimental marriage is not an admission of failure—it is an act of profound courage.
Pelumi Olajengbesi Esq. is a Legal Practitioner and the Managing Partner at Law Corridor.
