Listen when correction is warranted. Change when change is necessary. But don’t keep dismantling yourself to win the approval of someone who has already decided you will never be enough.
Some people will tell you the truth about yourself, even when you would rather not hear it. They will point out your blind spots, challenge your behaviour, and sometimes tell you that you were wrong. They may not always say it gently, but their words can help you grow.
Then there are people for whom nothing you do seems to be enough.
You apologise, but it does not count. You explain, but your explanation becomes another offence. You make an effort, but the effort is overlooked. You change the thing they complained about, only to discover that something else is now wrong. You give more, try harder, accommodate more, and somehow remain the problem.
So where does the problem lie? Am I failing to see something I need to change, or am I exhausting myself trying to satisfy someone who will never be satisfied?
There is a danger in telling ourselves that everyone who criticises us is simply “the wrong person.” Sometimes we really are difficult. We can be selfish, defensive, controlling, insensitive, proud, or unwilling to admit when we are wrong. We can hurt people and then hide behind the language of being misunderstood. We can demand grace while refusing to extend it to others.
Self-acceptance should never become an excuse for refusing to grow.
There are times when uncomfortable feedback is exactly what we need. The friend who tells us we are becoming arrogant. The colleague who points out that we are difficult to work with. The partner who tells us that our behaviour is hurtful. The child who finally finds the courage to tell a parent that something they have done has caused pain.
We should not dismiss such voices simply to protect our image of ourselves.
But there is another side to this.
Sometimes you have looked at yourself honestly. You have apologised where an apology was due. You have changed what needed changing. You have listened. You have tried. You have made room for the other person. You have even wondered whether you were the problem when you could not find a single thing more you could reasonably give.
And still, it is not enough.
Some people have already formed an opinion of you and keep collecting evidence to support it. Some need you to remain wrong, no matter how much you change. Their expectations keep moving further away each time you get close to meeting them.
Trying to win such a person’s approval can slowly become a form of self-abandonment.
You begin watching yourself through their eyes. You measure every word before you speak. You replay conversations afterwards, wondering what you should have said differently. You apologise for things you did not do simply to restore peace. You become so preoccupied with keeping someone else comfortable that you stop asking whether you are comfortable with the person you have become.
That is where the damage begins.
The desire to be accepted is deeply human. We want to belong. We want to be loved. We want our efforts to be recognised by the people who matter to us. There is nothing wrong with wanting those things.
The trouble comes when acceptance becomes the measure of our worth.
No human being will be liked by everyone. We are too different in temperament, values, experiences, expectations, and ways of seeing the world. Some people will connect with us immediately. Others will not. Some will understand us deeply. Others may never understand us at all.
That does not automatically make either side wrong.
We talk so much about finding that one special person who will understand us, love us, and stand beside us that we sometimes underestimate the importance of building a wider circle of people with whom we can be ourselves. Friends who can laugh with us. People who can challenge us without humiliating us. People who can tell us when we are wrong without making us feel worthless. People who do not require us to perform for our place in their lives.
They may not agree with everything we do. They may occasionally disappoint us. We may disagree with them too. But there is a difference between a relationship that requires growth and one that requires you to constantly prove that you deserve to be there.
We need people who can see our faults without reducing us to them.
We also need the courage to accept that some people may never become those people.
That can be painful, particularly when the person is someone whose approval matters deeply to us. A parent. A spouse. A friend. A colleague. A member of our own family. Someone whose acceptance we have spent years trying to earn.
Sometimes we keep going back to the same door, convinced that if we knock differently this time, it will finally open.
But not every closed door is an invitation to knock harder.
Sometimes the healthiest thing we can do is stop auditioning.
Not in anger or bitterness, and certainly not with the smug declaration that everyone else is toxic and we are perfect. We stop with the honesty to admit that we have examined ourselves, made the changes we needed to make, and still cannot make this particular person accept us.
Listen when correction is warranted. Change when change is necessary. But don’t keep dismantling yourself to win the approval of someone who has already decided you will never be enough.
There is a profound difference between becoming a better person and becoming whatever another person needs you to be.
The first is growth.
The second can become the loss of yourself.
So examine yourself. Be willing to hear difficult truths. Make amends when you are wrong. Change habits that hurt people. Apologise sincerely. Become softer where you have become harsh and more accountable where you have become careless.
Then, after you have done the honest work of looking at yourself, give yourself permission to stop chasing approval that will never come.
Someone’s inability to appreciate you is not automatically proof that you lack value. Their rejection is not necessarily a verdict on your character. Their refusal to accept the person you have honestly worked to become does not mean you must keep creating new versions of yourself in the hope that one will finally pass their test.
You are allowed to grow without disappearing.
You are allowed to be imperfect without believing you are worthless.
And you are allowed to find people with whom belonging does not feel like a performance.
The real freedom may come when we stop asking, “What more can I do to make this person accept me?” and start asking, “Am I being asked to grow, or am I being asked to abandon myself?”
The answer may change more than the relationship.
It may change the way you see yourself.
A lawyer and equity advocate, Lillian is the publisher of Law & Society Magazine. She can be reached at Lillianokenwa@gmail.com, on X: @OkenwaLillian.
